is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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