Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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