cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
