i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
