Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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