You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
