oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize