everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
