david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
