I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
