I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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