Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
