as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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