I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
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