You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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