She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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