last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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