please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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