On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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