I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
