never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Who died my cat blue again?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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