hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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