i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
