Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
