i would one night stand the shit outta him
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
