dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
