I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
