New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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