You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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