so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
