Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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