too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
