Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
