Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
