Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
