watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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