I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
