omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i now understand why vodka
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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