I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
