You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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