i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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