Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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