i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
