Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
