just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
