for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
