She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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