for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
