my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize