Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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