Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
