i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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