I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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