Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
