his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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