I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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