Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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