My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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