Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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