what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think my fart just growled at me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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