I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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