god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dear god my vagina.
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