True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
