birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
