I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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