I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
