so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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