i just sent this text using only my big toe
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
