My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
