You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
