my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
